I, Ron DeSantis, Declare the Radical Tyranny of “Righty Tighty, Lefty Loosey” To Be Over.

Today, I’m proud to introduce the “Freedom From Tool Tyranny Act” to the great State of Florida. For too long, screws, pipes, and all types of fasteners have only moved in one direction, which shows an unfair bias. This declaration provides balance to all future projects and gives the freedom to anyone wielding a tool to be Loosey to the Right. We’re proud to make Florida the first state to extend this freedom to the taxpayers and hopefully be a model for the nation.

Some losers and whiners have complained that this declaration skews to one side, but to them, I point out that the ability to Tighty to the Left still exists. We’re anti-regulation here in Florida; as you can see, I’m not even wearing a tie! We’re only looking to do away with the repressive policy of RTLT, as we are calling it.

Now, should a contractor wish to identify under the old system as an RTLT, they are free to do so by selecting their Right or Left Tighty preference on a mandatory State-wide Freedom from Tool Tyranny Survey. Should they fail to complete the survey, this will result in a $3,000 fine and a loss of certification.

Surveys will be made available at designated locations throughout Florida during regular business hours on Tuesday, August 3rd. We’re going to provide a website that individuals will need to check to find their survey location, so stay tuned. Oh, all sites will be indoor and mask-free because Florida is not ruled by fear.

Folks wishing to fill out the survey by mail can request a form that the applicant must submit to verify that they are eligible to qualify for a survey, which must be picked up in person and returned postmarked by July 15th. Two forms of ID will be required for in-person surveys and for requesting a form for a survey.

Every Union that wishes to work in Florida, like the Pipefitters, must have its members sign a pledge to fill out the survey by the end of the week or face a fine of $5,000 for every member not signed up. Any Union that does not have complete registration will be fined and brought up review by a Tool Freedom Board that I have appointed.

After registration, the state will provide each Contractor or Union Member with a body camera that they must wear while on the job to verify that they are not RTLT if they do not identify as such.

Lists of those individuals who are RTLT will be available to the general public online so that they have the freedom to verify that they have selected a Righty Loosey regardless of the job that they need to complete. For any Floridians that don’t wish to use contractors that use metric measurements, we will also give the option to opt-out of those that don’t use only the standard system.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “How can we make sure Righty Loosies aren’t discriminated against?” Well, any organization that receives State funding must also submit a list of the workers they hire and their statuses to prove they are not favoring RTLTs, or they’ll see their budgets cut. So, there is no need to worry about your freedoms! Of course, the woke crybabies are out there saying that these lists will be misused or that someone could retaliate against registered RTLTs. To them, I ask, “When have lists ever been used for nefarious political purposes?”

On the subject of existing structures, the foundations of how these structures were built can be ignored; we are solely focused on moving forward and view the obsession with historical conditions as haters just being negative.

With that, I wish everyone a great day here in Florida, the most freedom-loving state in the nation. Now, go fill out your mandatory surveys, and let’s build something The Righty Loosey Way!

Comedy writer, screenwriter and improvisor that always listens to the Star Wars soundtrack when driving in a snow storm. All work linked at eriksternberger.com